Know that it is with the utmost love
That I call you a complete dumbass
When I smack you upside the head
It does not mean that I've lost patience
I am the author of all things
And yet you seem to think yourself
Better than me at crafting arguments
Or in remaining silent when required
No plan survives first contact with the enemy
Your dreams of standing before the jury
The speeches you polish inside your head
You will never speak them to anybody
I am your anthropomorphized attorney
And sometimes I simply have to laugh
At the perfection of your sheer stupidity
This ain't my first rodeo, you greenhorn
Rejoice that when I finally press you
It means I feel you're close to being ready
When cool palm leaves crunch beneath your feet
Your time in the wilderness is drawing to its end
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