On Art and Language

For me, it's more like Friedrich Nietzsche said about his writing, "It's the only way I've found of getting rid of my thoughts". My writing and drawing seem to provide that for me. I've only been able to "lose myself" in pottery (usually on the wheel). One of my teachers described one of my submissions as "OCD Pottery" since I made over a hundred pieces (many more than required, and I didn't display all of them), all of them exploring just a few themes (coffee cups and teapots, some with sculpture attached, various glaze styles -- glazes for me have been like Nietzsche, again, described "deep subjects", like a cold bath, quick in, quick out), repetitively, like a kind of therapy. Some people must think I love learning languages, but I think I really hate it, but it's an escape, and a much-needed one, apparently. I have several other personalities in each language I speak (and accent/dialect), and I can really BE that other person with a different vocabulary for thinking and speaking and relating to the world. Of course I get gaslighted and given a hard time about a number of other (organic) things -- probably a separate issue. But for me, art seems to be more about the distraction of being in the process and the "getting it over with" than the contemplation. I usually have the feeling of "Oh, did I make that?" when looking back on my art -- I honestly don't remember the content, certainly not the details, or even that I made it at all. I tend to find contemplative "truly passive existential experiences" (Slavoj Zizek et al?) to be deeply tragic for a number of reasons, some of which I probably can't express.