Here's another good video that touches on ACA issues and Complex PTSD.
In a couple of hours we'll finally be able to say that "Hindsight is 2020"
|I'm an "8"|
Really good one [even refers to our inner child near the end]
One problemo: no mention of ACA [that's the trouble with unregulated capitalism].
ONE QUEStiON FOR JAY-Sensei: How does one come to accept the conscious awareness of what the video discusses? How does anyone actually come to watch the video since our self-hate makes it impossible to receive hopeful loving messages?
I think I'm a 12.
I think we have to get down to fundamentals.
I have a Loving Parent, so I have to do all kinds of stuff with that Loving Parent, down to the routine ready access to sensuality which was either denied or shame-loaded. Nursing, potty-traning, being corrected for things we did wrong, doing things together, being told we're good, actually following through on things, everything.
The Laundry List is a diagnostic tool, just like this video is. They are not curatives, or treatments. I was not told "Article II, Section Q. Codicil small Roman numeral iii: "You are worthless" codicil small Roman iv "I will never be there for you"
In AA the 4th step is somewhat curative, writing it all down, the 5th is great, telling somebody else, but finally it's the 9th step that sets the bone, allows for real life-changing healing.
These patterns were laid down by a myriad (hence "complex" PTSD) of actions and lack of actions. Every time I did something wrong, I was shamed, told I was a bad person, and that being a bad person was shameful and needed to be hidden from others which destroyed my ability to relate to others, to form friendships, trusting relationships, and I was told that only my family would tell me how bad I am and not reject me (a kind of S&M thing). Every time i needed something I either didn't get it and was shamed in any of a number of ways for saying I needed it, or I was given the wrong thing (narcissistic parent demanding my recognition of how good they are, on pain of being shamed as an ingrate, against S&M type of exchange). There were lots of messages how sex was bad and shameful, but also just that basic sensuality made me a bad person. The threat of all of this stuff and thousands more were all present as well.
I don't know. One point is that it's not about "you were abandoned" or "you didn't get your needs met" is along the lines of "you don't have any money left in your bank account". Yeah, great. What am I supposed to do about it? Answer: write down what happened and look at it. I spend $50 on electricity, and $1450 on other stuff is also not an answer.
AA states that the removal of character defects is critical, and the 12 steps bring this about.
Like you said, thinking about it doesn't fix it.
The idea of a critical parent is the concept that we have internalized these abusive behaviors and continue to play them against ourselves in a kind of "self-bullying"
That makes me think of the theories I've been working on for about ten years now. Bullying (oneself) is what immunomemes do. There are simiple techniques for getting rid of them. I don't have to "contradict" them and tell them to go away, since that will always fail, I have to balance them with a new one that functions in the same context, and then feed the white dog and not the black dog (your insight from the other day). I design how I'm going to feed the few dog, I get him his down dog bowl. This is what my Loving Parent does, she corrects me without shaming me, she tells me I made a mistake without shaming me --- she doesn't just say "It's Okay to make mistakes!" -- that will never work! "It's okay to make mistakes" is descriptive, NOT prescriptive.
Louise (my HP/LP), has to acknowledge that my CP, when they decided to acknowledge my needs, that CP would do things like not give me what I needed or wanted (ignore me) and then expect me to be grateful/satisfied and not welcome the dialogue that "I still don't have what I need". She has to know all that stuff, so we can have an interaction that replaces it all. An "always perfect" LP/HP doesn't cut it, because it doesn't really replace all the distress that my CP laid down over the decades.
"Do the opposite of what my CP did" to balance the see-saw, you need to know in detail what the CP did, and deliberately do something else.
Descriptivism versus Prescriptivism -- I think it's key.
Anyway, I've still got a lot to do on this. I'm writing down all my "gotchas" and try to take them apart a bit when I do, but I'm still trying to find a reliable recipe for extracting the memes, so I can then give Lulu some new ones to replace them.
1. mom shamed me for being proud of myself at that one school event
2. mom always shamed me for being proud (can I think of other times?)
3. mom was shamed as being "stupid" by her parents (not sure what to do with that)
4.a. if you brag about your gifted classes you won't be able to go anymore
4.b. (shame dad) your son is smarter than you
4.c. You're a bad person to be proud about anything
4.d. you're a bad person to brag about being smart
4.e. bragging is bad
4..f. you're not as good as you think you are
4.g. if others brag, you have to put up with it
4.h. I'm not proud of you (or I never say it)
4.i. Other parents are more proud of their children
4.j. I won't come to your graduation (read into it what you will)
I'm not sure about the 4. bit. Are they actually atomic autoimmunomemes? And so are eligible to be replaced by simple counter-memes? They are very specific to me, however. Lulu could maybe say, "I'm proud of you." or "I'm sorry I missed your college graduation" or better yet "It was my fault. I was afraid to be at CMU with your mom's parents" or still "I was just a bad parent to do that. I should have come. You deserved for me to be there, no matter how I felt about anything. It was shitty for me to blow it off" [I'm actually crying now....] Those are the kinds of repair work, the tearing down of the scaffolding of abuse and trauma that needs to take place with the LP, perhaps, yes, confessing the sins of the CP and promising to overcome them -- it's not like we shy away from Christlike metaphors in ACA!!
I should wrap it up. One takeaway might be the HP/LP as Christ figure. She actually has to say all the things that didn't get said, and unsay all the things that should've never been said. And do and be all the things that were or were not. You have my comics, I think, "My nipples bled at every feeding," and there is perhaps blame, or the lack of saying there is no blame where there might be some.
This may give the Loving Parent / Higher Power an actually specific job that they can actually do. I don't need a sympathetic yet impotent friend in my corner when I'm already bruised and broken, and having to go out and face my same tormenter (real or VR in my own head) on the same bloody terms as ever. I need to come to grips with the past, not just keep limping onwards, still taking grenades as I traipse along.
Anyway, Happy "2020 is hindsight" and so on,