(11/9@11/9) Sometimes the little ant’s designs just seemed too big to even attempt to even make an effort. It all seemed so pointless. He had his goodies, and a lot of the time that was all that mattered. It was almost good that everything was so overwhelming and pointless, because that made his goodies make sense. His goodies had to be there, they had to exist, they were a necessary and rational part of his life. They were his escape from the pointlessness. They were what allowed him to be in the moment right now and feel good in the moment right now. When now felt bad and all the best laid plans couldn’t seem to make the future look good, he had his goodies. His goodies were his antidote for the future. He sort of recognized this, that it was hard to have his goodies and at the same time have a future that was good and was under any measure of his control. He was so tired sometimes – it was, it seemed, impossible to make a choice between the future he wanted, that he dreamed of, and his goodies. It was easy for the goodies to win.
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